Eating Disorder Support.

When it gets to me, i feel like a tower collasping. Its beautiful, the the point when my breathe is just swooping out of myself, then I find the cold hard floor, thats my support system; yhe wood cradle’s me and I dont feel hungry anymore.

That’s what its like when Im winning.

Today I only had carrots, water, and sleep.

From the maker herself.

I feel like a failure. I’m trying to lose, but I’m trying to be healthy. I’m trying to disappear, yet I’m trying to survive. I cannot win this game.

Every time I try, all I hear is “You’re a failure. You’re disgusting. Look at yourself.”

The thing is, eating disorders are diseases. None of us that truly have one want them, it’s to reflect what’s inside, outside. Kind of why people do drugs, kind of why people slice their skin until they’re either dead or there’s nothing left. Our minds just seem to make it all seem okay, that we’re doing the right thing. Truth is, it’s hell, and we all want to get out. At the end of the day, you know if you really have an eating disorder or not: when it follows you wherever you go, when you can’t just wake up one morning and decide to eat. It’s so, so, so much more than wanting to be thin.

(Source: sestomperlentement)

too far from death

i’m tired. i’m cold. i’m hungry. i keep wavering in and out, black spots clouding my vision. i want to take a nap. i want to forget the world and curl up under my covers for warmth.

i want food, but then i rest my hand on my stomach, so perfectly caved in; wrap my fingers around the curvy edges of my hips as if to keep a grip onto life, onto me. the beating of my heart echoes through my stomach, pulsating a reminder that i am still alive, still breathing, still winning this battle to lose. still alive (barely even, maybe), but why?

i want food, but then i don’t. time to get up and go running and drink coffee with splenda and shower and go to class. time to pretend that everything is ok and i don’t feel like crying and sharp blades with no food do not constitute my very existence.

~eloise

Everyone talks about how they have a hard time not binging… I don’t have that problem.

I look at food and I’m repulsed. I smell it and I physically get ill.

When I eat, I purge it up and spend the next hour hysterically crying on the bathroom floor.

I take diet pills like my life depends on it.

Just one more muscle relaxer to calm my nerves.

I dream of death, or I’m so unconscious that no one can wake me and I dream in black.

None of my clothes fit, people are noticing how my ribs, collarbones, and hips stick out. How my thighs are the same size as my calves. How my kneecaps stick out.

All I think about anymore is my own death.

I see death everywhere.

This disorder is going to kill me, and I think I’m cool with that.

I don’t have the energy to keep fighting it anymore.

I’m completely numb.. completely apathetic.

3)boys and bare bones don’t mix.

so, i am recently single. and i have lots of dates, but secretly i don’t (can’t?) feel anything for them. no love, no real desire. i do like to kiss some of them, but when i tried sleeping next to them i hated it. i felt like they were crushing me. their big arms slung across me. and a lot of the time, i don’t like for them to touch my bones—ribs, hips. i feel like it’s too much, too personal. like only i can touch, grab where hips/shoulders/ribs stick out. does anyone else ever feel like this? selfish and possessive about how far they’ve come? or is it just me….